Its long been a issue for me, for many years, since my Mum died possibly 30 years ago this New Years day. Flying, the boy with the balloons, the man who would not come down to Earth, the Puer Aeternus. Its a deep deep issue still to be solved. After the UK tour i sat […]
Its long been a issue for me, for many years, since my Mum died possibly 30 years ago this New Years day. Flying, the boy with the balloons, the man who would not come down to Earth, the Puer Aeternus. Its a deep deep issue still to be solved. After the UK tour i sat still, still is how i need to find myself, i push my imagination in reverse and there I’m found parking in the same old places in my head. The fear head. I can see pain and sadness i feel low and not tuned into the day, i zone out which is not very nice for everyone. I hold on to time, as if i can, i chain it and drag it back towards me, hanging on to each slow hand movement. Im lost in sadness and grief. I’m off to LA and a 5 week tour with no days off, with he who answered the add in the sweetshop window. Today in my life i have such a foundation stone of love, that being laid by my Wife and myself here in the barn, here in the field. My day goes like this, i reach for the sky with my eyes, i see the wind and feel the darkness of winter, i stall as leaves fall, i sit as shadows form. I sleep. I indulge the darkness of my youth and the pain and anxiety maybe my Mother left me. Poor Lou has to put up with my stupid moods, so deep so dark and unfair. We cuddle up as the days race along, at the pace of all time. The time i try so hard to drag back in my selfish hand. The night before flying i can’t sleep as I hold on for dear life, but sleep takes me down and I am there, there in the moment of gone. I see the sky i feel the wind, i cry for long deep periods. I am held. I have no idea how it gets like this and and why, am i saying goodbye to unfinished business perhaps. In the car we drive to the airport, at check in a fall of tears as i say goodbye to my lovely wife. In the passport line everyone it standing silent, its remembrance Sunday and everyone to a man is stood motionless remembering the ones who had fallen. I was in a Fellini film where i was staggering around crying while the rest of the world had turned to stone. I stood still crying, at this point I’m on my way towards security. There is no turning back and the Virgin staff escort me to the plane where i meet the Pilot who tells me its all going to be fine, and where the weather is a bit bumpy on the map, he points,. 1 hour in, and he was right, he has to be. I sat in my seat, take off came so quickly, the sky black and grey, the M25 below and Mrs D on her way home. Soon it was blue, soon it was me and the 11 hours ahead. A stewardess made me eat dinner and then came the bumps, right on cue, one hour in, and then, nothing. It was calm, i was asleep, i think, i was there, i was in the air and bound for the day ahead. Landing came quickly and i could clearly see Vegas below and then the outskirts of LA. The car collects me I’m at the hotel, I’m calm and I’m here again, next stop New York and the fear will return along with all of the feelings, so many of them and justified 40 days and nights later. All completely exhausted. Poor Lou who has struggled to keep me focused, I’m here but in the past i may not have been, its all so deep, and there are reasons more than before as i get older and question my life its journey and me. I do know I’m grieving the past, the adolescent me that once formed and band and pewked up all night long. The boy who became a man by a fluke of nature rather than living a life of calculation. I feel a big movement in my soul as i live up to the changes a man of 61 has to make, preparing of the next years and dealing with the ones either lost or stolen. How does the fear work, why does it damage me so much and hurt with such pain. The flying seems to be the magnet for all unfinished business. A man cries to unearth the treasure below the surface of his reality, i comb through each feeling as if i were on an emotional archaeological dig, and whats been found. A few pots a few pans, a few feelings of loss. Its been along few weeks, I’m sorry for causing so much pain, I’m sorry but i have no control over my feelings sometimes, but they have to be understood, i will pray they are less next time, and then so it goes. So it goes.